"Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" World Premiere Baby Best!

"You can’t hurry Love..."

 ...no, you just have to wait, she said Love don’t come easy. It’s a game of give and take. The Supremes were exactly right. Maybe Diana Ross was pregnant when she wrote that song. Today I feel really pregnant. Very, very pregnant.  The muscle on the side of my stomach hurts from carrying this extra weight, or maybe from sleeping the wrong way. Either way, a pulled pregnant muscle sucks. Everything my husband says hurts my feelings. I cried this morning and this evening, somehow believing that his work projects are keeping our baby from being born, subconsciously sending her “stay in there, wait just a little longer” energy.  But despite my prego hormones, vanity still overruled as I sat in the hot Dominican salon to make sure my hair was pressed for the big event. What was sweet was that all the stylists wished me luck and said prayers to me in Spanish.  Now it’s 1 in the morning. I don’t know why I have heartburn, since I ate 4 hours ago, perhaps she’s saying I need to eat again. But mama said, "You can’t hurry Love, you just have to wait." Maybe this is what parenthood is really all about, give and take.

I give myself more water to obey the midwife orders, and then the baby makes sure I take myself to the bathroom every time I sit up/my feet touch the ground. The good thing is I’m saved. And God knows me so well. Just when the emotional roller coaster begins to peak, my God steps in and says, “it’s okay, daughter, calm down I’m right here. You’re almost there, you’re doing good.” I brushed that off with the waaahhh, waaahh, and allow the roller coaster to go down the emotional valley, just to allow Him to scoop me up, just as in His word in James 5, 7: “Be patient. Think about the farmer who waits for precious fruit out the ground. Be patient and strengthen your heart.” I love God and I love this baby, too.

 So world, I’ve been pregnant exactly, 277 days. O. M. G. Hear my heart when I say I’m grateful. I wouldn’t trade this blessing for the world. It’s just at this moment, the only song I have to describe it is, “The Never Ending Story…” Can’t you just see that big furry, fluffy monster laughing at me from afar singing, “The Never Ending Story…” What was that thing? Ok. Well let the record show that I just went on my last date without the need for a babysitter. Thanks, honey. Even though you get on my nerves. No, you didn't get on my nerves, what can I say instead of that? It's just that my nerves are on the outside of my stomach because my skin has stretched so far that they're easier to get to. And my uterus is playing Ding Dong Ditch with me (i really want to use the non-pc urban name, LOL).

Remember,

"You can't hurry love

No, you just have to wait

She said trust, give it time

No matter how long it takes".... i love you baby

how great is our God...

sing with me how great is our God... what a true and perfect song to describe the posture of my heart on this morning...  i feel overwhelmed by the goodness of my God... like i am personally seeing the reality of His promise in Luke 6:38 that states  "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom."   when i was a child my pastor would say this scripture every Sunday before offering... my brother and I would play around, mimicking the pastor to see who knew best exactly what he would say next... but despite my clowning, that deposit of the living word was taking root in me and now it is baring fruit... yesterday, at a women's function to celebrate key women in the church (my mother being one) i realized how blessed i really am... how good my life has been... how great God really is... as a child i was surrounded by kind, beautiful, godly people in my church... sister this and brother that were more like family than fellow pew sitters because we saw them soooo often... i actually did not know to complain then about how much time we spent at church - it was just the way we lived...  today i am beyond grateful that these positive adults have supported me throughout the years, they came to my track meets and plays as a child, made me feel like i mattered in the world by supporting my teenage dreams and accomplishments... and even now that my husband and i have a new church home, when i visit that familiar building they all still embrace me with true love and affection like i am their own child - still little and cute spinning around in my dress before the Lord, but only now they are oooing and ahhing in shock and excitement over the new life in "their" old little girl's belly... thank you to my parents for raising me in good and godly company...

Thank you for being a friend, Traveled down the road and back again, your heart is true your a pal and a confidant...this is the perfect song for this second part... as i watch the evening news and the host of Judge Whoever shows i am soooo thankful for the friends that I have...  they have never abused my kindness, ran up my cell phone bill, or slept with my man... we don't all talk everyday, some don't all live in the same city, but they all mean the world to me, and show that they are my Golden Girl-friends, they are great women - fun, professional, educated, supportive, generous, and most of all honest women... i have been friends with some of them for over ten years of bad boyfriends, crappy jobs, silly decisions, and hilarious memories...  despite the pace of life, our bond picks right back up where we left off with a simple ring of the telephone or status update on facebook, as if time stood still for us...  at my last two baby showers i prayed silently to God and explained to baby best, that these were the type of girlfriends that you want to have... friends of quality, that can stand the tests of time... friends that are quick to forgive your mistakes and even quicker to support your success... friends that make you laugh hard enough to cry and will stay around to wipe your tears when it gets hard... real friends like your mama's... thank you God for giving me such great friends 

we're blessed in the city, we're blessed in the field, we're blessed when we come and when we go... a perfect closing song for this entry... it is the declaration of my soul and car tag... Deut 28... i want to encourage you to lean on God more, to trust his promises for you... the Lord has blessed me in every area of my life, answering big and small prayers, providing me with new when i would have been happy with used, making my good into grand, and blessing the fruit of my womb "baby Best" with more then enough, even with me not working, she has no lack at all... Thanks God for all that you do and are... thanks for erasing all my "OMG i will be a first time mother of a baby in less than a month" concerns and all the "do i have everything she needs" worries... you are more than just God you are GOOD... 

 i always sit and read the cards and reopen the gifts once everyone has gone so i can ooo and ahhh all by myself... thanks everyone for all the cloths, diapers, gift cards, etc for our little girl... we truly appreciate your kindness and pray that the Lord richly blesses you

"Let's Get Physical, Physical.....I Wanna Get..."

I wrote this entire blog 90mins ago but my computer had a brain fart and lost it…. So let me try it again… please forgive if some of the original flavor was lost…

anyways the last 10 days have been great… we took a walk in the park and witnessed a mixed culture wedding that made me cry…we celebrated week 22 of prego-ness in the baby’s new cleared out bedroom after selling all of the old furniture on craig’s list…I went to the movies to see two new, excellent black cinema flicks… which means I am now able to stay awake past 9 pm without turning into a pumpkin… Taraji’s hair was the freaking bomb but unfortunately Chris Rock made me want to protest my perm and burn my weaves… I mean I am thinking about going natural just so I can look my daughter in her eyes one day and say “baby your hair is beautiful naturally.. just the way God made it”… plus I visited a few of my students at their colleges.. this means that I am now able to go out of town & back in a car without vomiting or falling asleep.. it was so great seeing my students fulfilling the academic dream… but let me just say that Baby Best might have it a little tough… all this practice with youth is making me very sharp… can’t get nothin’ past me, boo…

So physically I have been feeling just perfect… I am loving my new big belly and my new nipple-look-alike belly button… plus the bonus of no longer being afraid of physical intimacy has now freed me to enjoy life again!!! So life is good and being prego is fun… wait wait wait.. there was last night when I had horrible heartburn… I mean it was so bad I thought my eardrums were sweating and that my chest was going to explode… my hubby had to be on back-patting duty for 30 minutes until I burped out enough acid to go back to sleep… but other than that I’ve been fine… wait, well, oh yeah, I did have to go to the hospital…

The hospital… THE HOSPITAL… the hospital… WHAT??? Yes it is true, after 36 hours of excruciating, unfamiliar pain, I broke down and went to the hospital... the freaking arch-nemesis to my commitment to the world of natural living… but the pain was so strong, so frequent, so weird, I had to make sure all was well… not with me so much but with my precious cargo… plus, it hurt so bad I could not cry, my hubby kept asking me all these questions and singing/praying all loud, and I could not find the symptoms in any of the three thousand pregnancy books we have beside our bed… so I went to the hospital.. “dun, dun dun dun”… that is the scary dilemma music… I was being sucked into the world of social norms… I mean the pepto pink colored walls weren’t that bad after all... and the nurse was really nice… plus the sound of my perfect baby girl’s heart beating, feet kicking, and hands punching was hypnotizing me… and to top it off they showed me an ultra-sound and I could see her cute face hide and her body jump from the hiccups… awwww it was the sweetest site ever… perhaps I could learn to love this remote control bed…


But I snapped out of the delusion when the nurse came in to tell me that all the tests were normal and Baby Best was super great… and then she handed me a pain medicine that I had to take right then because I was unable to take it out of the hospital because it was a narcotic… A NarCotic… WHAT??? My hubby said that I instantly sprang up out of pain-curl position and said “get that shit out of here!!” lolololoolol I didn’t say that of course but I did ask for a Tylenol instead… I swallowed one and hid the other pill under the covers like the James Caan character in the 90’s flick Misery… then I hobbled myself out of there… came home and just thugged it out, embraced the growth

After researching the internet, I realized that my attempts to handle prego-ness like I an all-American White housewife, minus the cute dog, backfired on me… turns out that exercising 4 days in a row was good for the body but came at a high price… yep, the total was a full serving of pain – and the copay from me visiting the hospital of course.. it appears that I was just having round ligament pain… umm yep that’s right round ligament pain… I didn’t even know I had round ligaments… I thought they were all straight and rectangle-ish.. but it appears that my uterus is using the ligaments that surround it to bully my organs out of the way in order to make more room for Baby Best.. well it seems that the muscles/ligaments that have been holding my organs for the last 28yrs were like “hold up wait a minute” … this sparked a terrible internal conflict which caused me serious PAIN… but after another day of rest I was A-okay… and home is now more than ever where my heart is and where my baby girl will be born….

happy happy, joy joy 1/2 way there..

soooo many cute things for my little girl catches my eyes everytime i walk into any retail store... awwwwww this is going to be so much fun... i have a brand new fondness of other people's children in stores and restaurants too... like all of a sudden i notice the sweetness of Father's embraces or Mommy's looks... i see the adorable pigtails and hear the funny giggles... it is so touching

the last two weeks has been the best yet... baby best is moving and grooving... i actually have been walking and working out in the water... i try to run to the pool and jump in the water quick because lets just say i cant see my feet or my cha-cha to do any special grooming... plus i gained 4lbs this month which means i am no longer a food hater and can eat... and best of all I LiKE MY HusBAND again... like he has been looking so hot to me and i love having him around... this is so good because i was really worried last month that i might frown at him forever lol!!

omg and i must admit i love all the attention now... like i love that my body i no longer a indeterminable round but officially pregnant... i get extra smiles, passes to the front of the line, and pleasant nods from strangers..

finally happy 20th week of living my sweet baby girl... you have been doing such a great job growing and stretching, fully developing and being the best baby ever... you are half way to our arms and all the way in our hearts... keep up the good work see you in 20 more weeks

Getting My "Grown Man" On (Husband)

No pretense this time. I've been busier than a one-armed squirrel 3 weeks before winter hits. Can you say Griiiiinding. I've never liked the word "hustle." But baby-on-board has compelled me to work harder than ever before at any and everything at the same time. I've always worked hard at just about whatever I endeavor, but something about the expectation of this little one has sent me into a frenzy. Anxiety and a barrage of mixed emotions has shuttled me further along this path of worker bee syndrome. Do I have less faith, now that I'm motivavted to work more? I know that it's God-given. I just need to channel it into the right streams.

Now, every second counts. Every commute is filled with a studio session where I'm drilling my mind with complex rhymes and intense scenarios to develop into the ultimate emcee. Each work day is filled with thoughts of world conquest through the starting blocks of a side business, two simultaneous mixtapes, pushing an album, booking shows, serving my friends' dreams, finding time to read up on the baby, taking care of my wife's needs (albeit not many--her primary desire is for time, the very thing that's already strained), stepping up my responsbility around the house, winning souls, building my church's brand and caring for some strained relationships in my family.

Calm. Rest. Weight gain. Getting fat. Long naps. Great sleep. Wonderful cuddling. Peace. Joy. All the plush benefits of being an expectant father. Well, I've not gained any weight. I've only had peace and calm after spending time in the presence of the Lord, I always feel guilty for everything I don't do (dangit, I didn't wash the dishes, I left Charity with more clothes to wash, I didn't go buy that prego pillow, I didn't cook dinner, I made a etc.), I'm not getting more sleep because I haven't been able to cuddle with my wife (resulting from an expensive, too-soft bed that sinks when in the middle when I'm too close), but there is some light in this tunnel of future daddy daycare...

Yesterday, on the 20th of Septempber in the year 2009, I felt my baby move for the first time. It was as if he or little she pushed back through the great baby wall, throwing daddy a high five (probably with a foot) through the great bubble divide. Oh, what a glorious feeling. And I'm almost jealous that it's still all the more special for my wife, because she can feel the baby on the inside and the outside. Oh, the joy she has. In reading "The Expectant Father," a beautiful hand-me-down gift from coworker Nicole and her beau Donshay, I learned about the phase where the father can feel isolated, neglected, outside the circle of pregnancy and wifely goo-gahs. I can't say that I feel isolated or neglected, just a bit jealous that I cannot emote the same way.

That I cannot lavish in the same emotional euphoria of anticipation that I witness in my wife. But then again, she most certainly deserves it. If that is one of the few rewards of being chosen to carry our child, then may she be so blessed to feel the baby inside and out, to see the ultrasound and witness God using her very vessel as his life factory. Does this sound all too abstract? Forgive me. I wrote this one for me.

Oh, I'ma changin'....baby I am a'changin'. The wonder and mystery of this life has blown a new leaf this way, and I am determined to find its tree.

Money, Money, Money....Money! (Husband)

"Some people. Got to have it. Hey hey....some people. Really need it..." Sing it, O'Jays. Because that sounds like my baby talking. I felt as if I was covertly cast in a Mastercard commercial. Recyclable Baby Diapers? $20. Self-closing Pacifier? $9. 4-in-1 Daybed and Crib? $429. Having your first child? Priceless.

Seriously, why does a bjorn baby carrier cost so much? Can't I buy a sturdy bookbag, cut two holes for feet and set my baby in it? And why buy a Crib/little prison cell that hovers above the ground, when I could build my own fort of pillows around two stacked, folded blankets and lay my baby in the middle? Why do clothes that can be worn no longer than 3 months max, comprised of a mere 15% of the fabric and stitching of my own, cost the same amount of money? Why does a designer carseat that is supersafe and expands to any age/size from 2mo. to 4 years old not come with a stroller frame? Why do strollers not come with carseats, at least the kind that I'd actually want to put my baby in? Why are there at least 50 different kinds of pacifiers for my baby to choose from, and only a few kinds of vitamins?

Not that the Lord hasn't blessed us with more than enough to meet all of our needs, but wow, what a culture shock. Baby culture shock has reduced me to eschewing my formerly mizer lifestyle of starving myself and pinching every penny. Charity will atest to me spending money on a whim, almost all of it purely going to food, to feed her new, spontaneously ravenous appetite, and well, mine too. But mostly because I'll go without eating, just not remembering or wanting to stop what I'm doing, because the "it" is always at the time so much more important than food. But hey, isn't that what we work for, anyway? I've always known that without an actual monetary goal, we'll squander our money and not know where it went. When we don't need anything, money slips through our fingers. And when we have a need, we'll squeeze $40 value out of a $20 bill in 0 seconds flat. I keep thinking, though, that 20 years ago my parents combined probably made about as much as college kids right out of school (before the market crashed), and I had every toy I ever dreamed of. I think my sister's childhood was devoid of the overly requested pony that all girls ask for, but what were we going to do with a pony in the suburbs on the South side of Fort Wayne, IN? Yeah, sorry, Jil. I stretched this out just to say that God has been way too good to us for me to fret about money. Or anything for that matter. He has blessed and enriched my life, and I don't know why He thought so much of me that He chose Charity to belong to me! What could I possibly complain about? In any regard? Nothing. So I take back everything I have just said.

Wife's Response: I guess it did not relieve your stress to have your pregnant wife break down into tears in the middle of the Maternity Section as she tried on prego clothes for the first time!

What would I look like if I were a girl? (by Husband)

Bear with me, this'll be my most cerebral entry yet. What would I look like if I were a girl? This question and many more puddle my thinking with profound and complex questions that mainly lead to nothing but thoughts of what lies ahead. I am definitely an internal thinker. Even in my conversations with the Lord, I find myself peacefully in the inner sanctum of reasoning with God as if we’re chatting over a leisurely game of chess in heaven’s foyer. Thank you, Lord, for making me a father. For blessing us with a child. At first, I was gonna wait to call myself a father until my child breathed its first breath on its own, but sure enough Charity’s body has two heart beats. Why shouldn’t I claim the life of my child since he/she is indeed living? And I am determined not to allow fear any place in this pregnancy. So, I am a father, and Lord, you are so faithful and good to me. There is nothing I could’ve done to deserve such a promotion. And already my life is changed. This time, I haven’t even needed to persuade myself into thinking I’m different. My nature is changed. I simply am a new man. Both in my words, and in spirit. So I ask again, what would I look like if I were a girl? If Charity’s womb is the factory of lilacs and roses, will she look like me? Or will she carry on the curvaceous, gentle and sweet, loyal nature of her mother? And if a boy, will he think in songs like his mother? Will he be both creative and meticulous like his father? Will he draw pictures with his left hand? Oh, so many delightful memories to create. God is so good. I have so many things to look forward to, I don’t know where to begin. It keeps me up at night, even now, writing my heart’s desires at 1:26am on the first of September, my favorite month.

The "Maybe" Baby (by Husband)

I've had my first dose of "Maybe I'm not ready for this" today, when Charity woke up pregnant again, and I just got up like normal forgetting that she couldn't move as fast, like....dang, That's right. She's pregnant! Ah.....and then you know how you try to fix things since you're the man?! Well only if I could crawl into her back and massage each one of those aching back muscles and tell her organs to move over and make room for the baby... I hate seeing her so uncomfortable at times, and not be able to do anything but pray. And one time while I was praying, she told me to shut up because I was trying to rebuke a normal pregnancy symptom, LOL! Oh what laughs we have. Marriage is the best. If dudes knew how good we actually had it, they'd get saved just to get married!

The Business of Being Born...a Girl (by Husband)

I’m going to be someone’s daddy! This thought alone is enough to spark its own entry, but I’ve expressed these thoughts so many times, it’s only right that I jot down these words and cathartically move on to more mature pre-daddy pregnant thoughts. Most people ask me what I’m having, and what I WANT to have. Are you kidding me? A healthy baby! What has happened in our culture that has gotten us so caught up in what the sex will be? How is it possible—before I go on, I am well aware that in some foreign cultures, a woman’s value may be so low that parents consider the birth of a baby girl worthless, and though I find it completely ridiculous, I’m reserving this next thought for our American culture—for someone in today’s time to be so bent on having a child of a particular sex, to the point where if they have a child of the reluctant sex, that they neglect the child? Isn’t that bogus? Have we forgotten that it is GOD who chooses not only conception, but the exact weight, sex and genes of our child, if we are indeed even fortunate enough to get pregnant? I guess I sound too formal and much more like political soap-boxing than blogging, so I digress. I said all that to say, I’m so glad that we’re pregnant, and I will let God do God’s business in choosing the sex of our child. Be it boy or girl, I will love them, as I already incredibly do, with all of my heart, devotion and energy, for as long as my heart beats fast.

Ice Cream in the Microwave (by Husband)

Charity is going to have a natural, at-home birth! She is amazing and I support her all the way. Please pray for us. I am all of a sudden a worker bee who wants a new house, new car, new job, new life that is the best for the baby. It's so exciting. I'll be rushing around off adrenaline to accomplish as much as possible, and then Charity'll say: "Babe, take the pressure off! You're a good enough provider for me..." But do you know the pressures of being a man and wanting to give the very best? The pressure to provide more than we had; nothing but the very best for my children. That is what my father gave me, and I’d be damned to give anything less to my children. But (sigh) what a relief to hear those refreshing words from my wife? “You’re a good enough provider already…” Women take note. This is what you say to melt away your husband’s stress faster than you can soften ice cream in a microwave!

Entry 2, Week #10: The Promotion

Have you ever worshiped so hard that you knew a nap was in the near future… this morning I am sooo in love with the Lord. Just his simple word brings me to my knees in worship… for his kindness towards me… and all his great promises. I fall deeper in love with Him daily… this baby is going to be blessed. Today my Big Daddy told me that in Deut. 28:4… that alone had me on my face in the most awesome worship…the kind where the neighbors might wonder “What’s that noise?”... don’t worry its just me showing my gratitude to such a worthy King… I am so excited and so privileged to be in this position… my Father trusts me with such an awesome promotion… Thanks Lord

Entry 1, Week #9: I am going to be a blogger

Well here it goes.. I am going to be a blogger..

What has this kid done to me… Well besides turning my appetite upside down, all around… and making a traditional morning activity like brushing my teeth a scene from a horror movie…

It has turned my heart to mush without even being able to smile yet.

All of my thoughts are about how I can make the best personal decision for this new human being… (which, might I add, solidified its gender this week… I am so proud of you, you little sex organ grower!)

Anyway, the whole world is so excited about your arrival… Yes, that is right. The whole world… everywhere I go and everyone I tell are so excited (like, my baby is like a “Cheers” star)… Even my plane mate “goo-gooed” and raved about all the joy this baby was going to bring…

So I thought the best way to keep this excitement going for the world was to tell all my updates through this blog… my pregnancy blog… oh yeah, HI I AM Pregnant... Wooo Hoo!… ok, so stay tuned.