and in the back of my mind i hear my conscience call... so i just want to purge some of the thoughts that i have had lately... each one of them would make a great entry on their own but lets face it i don't know when i will have the time to write again...
- omg thank the lord for gripe water... got it at whole foods and it works miracles... time the dropper is empty i can see relief come over my baby's face... whether it was gas or attitude that had her all in a fuss the gripe water calms her down... usually a burp or nap follows... i will take either one
- so after several horror stories about kids being in parents' beds until they can read/write i decided to start putting our little mclove in her crib... i mean i just can't imagine all that decorating her room being in vain and my hubby and i never having our boudoir to ourselves ever again... so i wrapped her snugly and placed her in her crib... (talk about separation anxiety)... my ear was glued to the monitor... just waiting for her to call for me to come and rescue, oops i mean feed or change her... my sleep was not any sweeter with her being all the way across the hall... in fact, i think my sleep was worse because i kept thinking maybe the monitor would die or be covered or even worse, eaten by the monster under her crib and she would be in there screaming her head off all alone... i have to admit that i really missed her... i mean, although i am usually cross-eyed and confused in the middle of the night when she wakes me... those glances at her in the moonlight are priceless... ok so i did not make it through the whole night 'cause i just could not put her back after her first feeding, but i am getting better... last night i fed her in her room in the rocking chair and then put her back... but i just missed her too much to put her back after the second feeding... one night at a time
- cute kid... i have a really cute kid... now that she is getting cuter by the minute i can admit that i was a little concerned those first moments after her birth... i mean its kinda hard to tell when they are still a little covered with blood, head all weird-shaped and lash-less... but now, oh my word... she is beautiful... and growing better everyday... she will be 7wks on friday and she is already making the cutest little noises ever, vowels never sounded so sweet... and she laughs at us... i mean no more gas reflexes but real smiles... she is gorgeous... i am so blessed
- i don't stink anymore... kinda embarrassing to admit but i smelled like a trash can in a public bathroom for the first month after the delivery... i mean peeeeewww -wee, it was horrible... who knew that leakings coming from every hole in your body could smell sooooo awful.. milk mixed with vaginal fluids and musty underarms is the real reason women are advised not to have sex for six weeks... hahahaha... sigh now it is so much better... soap and deodorant actually are effective again
- your words really do create your world... take a second to enjoy the little things...
so here is thought... how much is too much, when it comes to helping.... most women complain about their lazy, compassion-less hubbies but that is far form my issue... i think that he would breast feed her if he could lol... gosh every since the baby was born i feel like he is tupac and i am biggie smalls... every topic is the open door for a debate... "what's beef"... beef is when parents fuss over which onesie should go under the baby's outfit... "what's beef" beef is when parents compare baby center articles before laying the baby dow for a nap... yesterday we had a visitor over that encouraged us to make sure to love on each other too... not just the baby... of course we smiled and nodded, but when i consider how funky we have been to each other lately i am sad... i mean i guess how long it takes him to change her diaper, or get her dressed, or calm her down does not really matter... what i should be focusing on is that i have help... and enjoy the help... i know that we both just want the best for our, not just my, baby... plus he gave me a beautiful sparkley push gift... on april fools day we celebrated 3yrs of covenant love... we are beating the odds and still committed to being the best of lovers and friends... sure its tough, and this is such a new demanding promotion, but i know we can and will make it...
who knew that leaving the house would be such a major ordeal... this week my baby turned six weeks old and i turned into a super mom... ok well a super mom in my head at least... i hyped myself up and decided that this week i would leave my bubble and venture out into the world, on my own again... now let me just inform you that i had not driven my car in the last six weeks... i mean for the few times we actually left the house i was the resident driving miss daisy, stationed in the back seat, watching the baby's every move... but my sweet baby and i could not be home bodies forever... we need vitamin d and social interactions other than facebook... and plus i see moms all the time out and about... shoot i can do this...
anyway so i came up with a plan to leave the house... you gotta be real strategic about a task like this... the goal is to leave the house without any emotional breakdowns from me or baby... i need to make sure the bag has all the tools needed to handle any random drama and normal baby needs.. (at least i didnt have to worry about packing any bottles cause i am still her human fast food chain...) but hmmm should i put her in her seat first or her seat in the car first... and let me just say that you gotta be darn near a body builder to carry all this baby stuff... i mean u should see me leaning over like i am in need of a huge V8 trying to carry her, in the car seat, with the diaper bag...
finally we made it on the road... let us all pause and scream.... what the hell is wrong with these drivers... switching lanes without notice, driving like nascar speedsters... dont they know that i have precious cargo on board... ok i had to constantly calm myself down, and convince myself not just to turn around and go back to my safe home...
so we made it to Ross.. i love Ross, something for everyone, mainly me... i needed a couple of new things for the spring that were not maternity but can still hide the remaining evidence of my baby bump... i get the baby out of the car and inside the store... but now another obstacle... how do i put this car seat on the buggy... after a few minutes of trying and praying that another mom would walk into the store and i could spy on her skills, the security guard came over and helped me... hehehehe, ok now time to shop... the baby was sleep and i was relaxed... this was short lived cause while strolling through the aisle i i run into a former co-worker who asks me the two worst things that you can ever ask a new mom... #1 "have u had the baby yet" and #2 "he is so cute"... what!!! you gotta be kidding me, sure i have a few more pounds to loose but the last time you saw me i was as big as a house plus my baby is the most girly baby in the land... besides her super delicate, feminine face -she was in pink from head to toe... so you cant be serious.... sigh let me fake smile and cut this convo short before i snap... so i move forward, push on, trying to stay focused on finding a new dress so that i dont think about all the germs and pollen that my new baby is inhaling... all of a sudden i felt my buggy come to a halt.. oh noooo, oh my gosh... when i peeped my head around the buggy i realized that i had just ran into a sweet old lady... after helping her and picking up the cloths off the floor i realized that my vertical challenges and the baby on top of the buggy was now a safety hazard to others... plus once the shopping cart stopped moving my baby became hysterical... i mean turned red and loud... you know what that meant... time for me to go back home asap and rethink things... hahahaha cute can turn real ugly, real quick
like a natural woman.. and in the words of Chaka... anything u want done baby, i'll do it naturally, o o ooo, o o ooo... the word natural has a whole new meaning now... i decided early on in my pregnancy to give birth to my child naturally at home... in a time of iphones and skype, this decision was totally against the grain... when the world around me was moving to even faster technology, i was going backwards to the days of my grandmother, hiring a midwife in plans to birth my child in the comfort of my home... each person that i informed that i was having a drug free, hospital free delivery gasped for air and tried to convince me that i was making a crazy, wrong, tragic or just plain weird decision - "girl the pain", "girl the pain", "ooo girl the pain"... oh well if you know me, you know that just fueled my fire for more research and a stronger stance in my decision... hmmmm but a decision is just a mental paradym until you actually have to put it into action...
LIGHTS, CAMARA, ACTION
on wednesday morning, March 3rd, around 8AM as my husband was preparing for work i noticed a few drops of blood in my urine... with great excitement we stood over the toilet wondering was this the start of the moment we had been waiting for... the last time i saw blood in the toilet was in may of 2009 and plus by this time my baby was 1week past her due date and i had tried all the natural/home remedies, like sex-walking-spicy food, to start labor to no avail... it is our first baby, so we had no idea what a mucus plug looked like... so we did what any Milllennial would do... we googled images of mucous plugs online so that we could know exactly what we were looking for...
15mins later shazam part of my plug was in my panties... it was just enough there to make my husband and i dance around the room like it was Christmas morning...
i knew that soon my childbirth process would begin because earlier that week i prayed to that my hubby would be home with me from beginning to end of the process and that i would have a definite physical sign that the party was starting... so, with mucous plug confirmed, we informed the midwife to be on alert, my hubby worked from home to be safe, and i rested on the sofa in glee confidently preparing for the task i was about to embark....
RUNNERS TAKE YOUR MARK
around 9pm that night (wed) i started to notice some consistent contractions... i was aware of what my uterus felt like when i was having a contraction from the prior two weeks of Braxton Hicks... my hubby pulled out the stop watch and began to keep track... at this point the sensations were so bearable i would forget to inform him about the start and finish point for accurate timing... i felt like superwoman... i mean, this was just like menstrual cramps... i could handle cramps... no big deal... so i ate well and went to bed, listening to my childbirth scripts that led me through colorful gardens and ocean escapes, knowing that sometime soon, probably in the middle of the night, i would have my baby... perhaps my body would be so relaxed that i would sleep right through the total delivery... i laugh at myself now for thinking this because to my surprise my night was a restless one... my sleep was constantly intterupted by contractions and by 5am that morning (thurs) they were 12-15 mins apart...
so we called our birth team to come over to the house...my personal intercessor arrived first around 5:45am, followed by my mother, to assist as needed... the jr. midwife arrived a little after 7am to check on me... she decided, without a vaginal check, but based on timing of contractions and my response, that i was still in the beginning stage of labor... so i put on my labor outfit (hehehe) and i tried to just relax by watching re-runs of the cosby show, squating and rocking through contractions... things were going pretty well.. my hubby, mom, and personal helper were working deligently to fill the birth pool with hot water and make the bed/mattress mess proof...
around 5:30pm (thurs) my sr. midwife arrived... i was so excited to see her, thinking that her presence meant that i must be almost there... at this time my contractions were 5-8mins apart and getting stronger by the minute... i had been working hard to use my birth tools... i was rocking on the birth ball, taking my deep cleansing breaths, belly dancing to promote gravity pull, allowing my husband to apply counter pressure to my back, snacking on carbs, protein, and liquids plus thinking every positive thought i could... i just knew that i was at the peak of this process... as far as i could tell the contractions seemed to be really close together... i mean, Could it really intensify more than this?... so, with confidence, i asked for a vaginal exam to measure dialation... the first one since my labor had begun.. and i thought that it would probably be my only one cause i was sure i was 10+ centimeters dialated... anyway after the exam she said "you are doing good... you are about 2 1/2 or 3 cenimeters... why don't you get up and go for a walk, get some fresh air, and i will be back later to check on you again"...
WHAT???
EXCUSE ME??? 3centimeters???
Go foR A WaLk??? WHAT??? YOU WILL BE BACK???
you gotta be kidding me... i can barely keep my eyes straight.. and she says 3 centimeters... even though we had all clocks out of my sight, my internal timer was ticking and i knew that this process was going way beyond the three hours that i had envisioned... and then this chick tells me i am not even half way there... talk about a busted bubble... sigh, so as my sr. midwife drove away, my husband prepared me for the chilly walk outside... now take a second to imagine a 10-months pregnant, in-labor woman who can't zip her own jacket so she has on her husband's coat walking down the sidewalk... but i could not walk two sidewalk squares without crunching over my hubby from a contraction... oh you need a visual... i need u to use your imagination to see all 154 lbs of me me in the thick of things... sooo pitiful.
after about ???? short mins later i re-entered my home, took off the coat and laid fetal style on the floor... i was mentally done... i cant believe that i was just outside looking like a runaway slave, hunched over every 3 concrete squares... i mean if i could not even walk the sidewalk outside how in the world was i going to complete this delivery... it was in this moment at 6:57pm that i said "i quit, i can't do it, take me to the hospital"...
MONKEY ON THE BACK
alot of the process is a blur now as i write this entry but i so remember this moment... i remember feeling so done... so defeated... all my prep, prayers, and passion felt like it was in vain... with tears running down my face and my eyes closed... my jr. midwife came to my side and gave the world's greatest pep talk... it was like something out of a hollywood movie about the underdog sports team making it to the championship and the coach has one timeout to motivate his team to glory...she didn't pacify or coddle me, she told me the truth... "you can do this, this is labor, and it feels hard but you are doing it, no one can do it for you, you have to do it yourself, you have to get up... hubby leave her alone, she can do it by herself, she is not sick, she is in labor, and she has to do the work, yes its hard but she can do it... its not easy, you are having a baby, and you can do it, now take a second to pull yourself back together momma and have your baby"...i almost cry just thinking about this powerful moment... i wanted to slap her but i knew she was telling the truth. the ball was completely in my court... i had to make the tough decision, no more leaning on my hubby or depending on my list of birthing tools to rescue me, playtime was over and I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF... my husband made me as comfy as possible on the floor by padding me with pillows and then played this song for me and.. powerful words.. click to listen/watch:
in true dramatic fashion i got myself up off the floor and walked myself, by myself, upstairs as the audience of family members cheered at my bravery... the next several hours was just me and God... i made my bedroom a sacred place... i didn't want help or interruption, just me and GOD... my shower was my locker room... when the "going" got too tough i retreated to the shower for relief, to reamp myself, to get instructions from my heavenly father... when i was ready i would go back to my birth space... "i am with God, and God is with me" these are the only words that came out of my mouth for the next several hrs... i said it all the way through each contraction, now less than 5 mins apart... i felt a deep peace between each contraction... most of the time i would dose off.. or more like fade out, in between the strong sensations which jarred me awake and reminded me that i was in the middle of bringing life into this world... when it got to be too much for me again and the contractions seemed overwhelming, i ran to my heavenly Father's arms in the shower... at some point, the jr. midwife quietly entered to monitor me, the baby, and the contractions... i remember that when i was too weak to finish my "i am with GOD, and God is with me" confession she would complete it for me... she was right by my side, reassurring me with eyes full of confidence that i could complete the task i started... it was at the perfect support at the perfect time.. ( omg i am over here boo hooing, i owe her so much... once again, her confidence at that moment, helped me commit to the process.. and after slowdancing/rocking hips with me, giving me an enema, and not slapping me when i bit her in the middle of a contraction, me and this chick are close for life, lol)
HOME STRETCH
at some point in the middle of the night (thurs) i requested my second vaginal check... at this point a day had passed, and i was ready to cross or at least see the finish line... the check confirmed that i had progressed... i was 8 cenimeters dialated... but exhausted... physically and mentally spent... my husband and i entered the birth pool to try to relax and release the baby further down... i was having the urge to push, because of all the pressure, but it was too soon... after a while without further dialation i was instructed to exit the water and to try to walk around to dialate those last 2 centimeters... so i got out, it took all i had in me just to walk from my bedroom to the baby's room... during one of my many trips i made a pit stop at the bathroom and i called for my husband... while sitting on the toilet i looked him dead in the eye and in my right, non-emotional mind i said... "ok that is it, i am not doing this anymore, i am finished, take me to the hospital, i am tired and can not go any further, i quit, take me to the hospital NOW"!
i could see that he believed me this time, and went to tell the midwifes of my decision...
while he was away i tried to plan the escape route just in case they tried to pep talk me out of this agian... i thought to myself "ummm i probably would not have time to get dressed and run downstairs to my car before my next contration.... ummm driving naked and in labor probably is a crime... ummm well they leave me no choice but to call the police and act like i am in a hostage situation... shoot i know my local police would break up this birth party with the quickness...". but my plan failed because i could not find my phone before i was back on the floor, breathing through a contraction, lol...
when they returned in the room i was 9 3/4 dialated and it was time to push... ooooooo yes, finally.... this was my favorite part... for the next three hours i rotated through a series of positions, including squatting, all-fours, rocking both inside and outside of the birth pool to push my baby into this world... i finally ended up sitting up in my bed, where after forty minutes of my baby's head playing pic-a-boo, my sweet 8 lbs, 8 ozs, 21-inch sweet baby girl was born into this world... after a minute of being in a strange, slow motion, dreamlike, almost high state... the reality set in, and with my baby in my arms, tears in my eyes, and indescribable joy, i said "I DID IT"...
(sigh) - what an amazing experience... sure it was a whole lot different than i imagined... but immediatley Love erased all the pain, Love made me forget that i saw the sun's full revolution during this process... Love invaded me and consumed all my self doubts... i finally had my Love in my arms and her life was beautiful... God had granted me the desire of my heart... the healthy delivery of my child, completely natural, at home... thank you, Lord...lol i felt closer to Jesus than ever after being in labor one hour for every year He walked the earth..lol i love you my little Love... u were sooo worth it all...
hey readers for more details and info about my natural pregnancy/birth view my march 20th and august 31, 2009
lol ok so this is my second week home alone on mommy duty.. and we are getting into a rhythm now... i know her cries and how short my windows of opportunity to bathe and eat are... i had to take this sec, when i could fake a nap, to write this entry... ok so i wonder how many other moms can relate to this... today my baby played with her toys for the first time... i laid her on her back in her Bright Stars Play Place so that i could run to the kitchen and clean my breast shields and pump supplies... while i washed them i heard the sound of a rattler shaking... i thought to myself OMG the playplace has collapsed on her head... but to my surprise when i looked over the counter i saw my baby girl playing... reaching, bumping, trying so hard to open her fist so she could grab the dangling toys... it was just like that moment in Kill Bill when Uma was moving her toes... lol gooo baby McLove you are growing so fast... and after a few more tries she got it... i bust into cheers like she won an olympic race...
ok so next on the schedule after individual play is face time with mommy... which usually leads to a diaper change, the occasional nose picking, and a feeding... which then usually leads to a nap... well today she was a little restless while nursing due to the sound of her own farts startling her, which causes her to tighten her grip on my nipple and shake her head in frustration... not cool at all... plus i knew she was really tired since she woke up prematurely from her earlier nap when i slammed the dryer door...
anyway a fussy baby is no contest for the liquid gold filled boob and she finally falls asleep on my shoulder after a burp... and it was at this moment that i had to make a very critical decision... should i let her remain asleep in my arms on my chest by becoming as stiff as a board, ignoring any calls, barely breathing, and allowing my arm become numb, to loose all feeling... or do i take the risk of her waking up by getting up to lay her down...
well you know i like a dare but i need her to rest... so i pressed play on the yo-yo ma cd and in one quick move i bend at my waist and i lay her in the space directly between my legs on the sofa... yes... it worked she is sleep and in the cutest position ... just right for me to get a couple of Anne Getty shots before her eyes popped back open... lol i could only smile... she smiled back and then drifted to sleep... but now i am stuck again... afraid to move my legs now... trapped... lol i had to write this whole blog from the side.. and thus a crook in my neck... lol at least i got the chance to blog
anyway so i came up with a plan to leave the house... you gotta be real strategic about a task like this... the goal is to leave the house without any emotional breakdowns from me or baby... i need to make sure the bag has all the tools needed to handle any random drama and normal baby needs.. (at least i didnt have to worry about packing any bottles cause i am still her human fast food chain...) but hmmm should i put her in her seat first or her seat in the car first... and let me just say that you gotta be darn near a body builder to carry all this baby stuff... i mean u should see me leaning over like i am in need of a huge V8 trying to carry her, in the car seat, with the diaper bag...
alot of the process is a blur now as i write this entry but i so remember this moment... i remember feeling so done... so defeated... all my prep, prayers, and passion felt like it was in vain... with tears running down my face and my eyes closed... my jr. midwife came to my side and gave the world's greatest pep talk... it was like something out of a hollywood movie about the underdog sports team making it to the championship and the coach has one timeout to motivate his team to glory...she didn't pacify or coddle me, she told me the truth... "you can do this, this is labor, and it feels hard but you are doing it, no one can do it for you, you have to do it yourself, you have to get up... hubby leave her alone, she can do it by herself, she is not sick, she is in labor, and she has to do the work, yes its hard but she can do it... its not easy, you are having a baby, and you can do it, now take a second to pull yourself back together momma and have your baby"...i almost cry just thinking about this powerful moment... i wanted to slap her but i knew she was telling the truth. the ball was completely in my court... i had to make the tough decision, no more leaning on my hubby or depending on my list of birthing tools to rescue me, playtime was over and I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF... my husband made me as comfy as possible on the floor by padding me with pillows and then played this song for me and.. powerful words.. click to listen/watch:
lol ok so this is my second week home alone on mommy duty.. and we are getting into a rhythm now... i know her cries and how short my windows of opportunity to bathe and eat are... i had to take this sec, when i could fake a nap, to write this entry... ok so i wonder how many other moms can relate to this... today my baby played with her toys for the first time... i laid her on her back in her Bright Stars Play Place so that i could run to the kitchen and clean my breast shields and pump supplies... while i washed them i heard the sound of a rattler shaking... i thought to myself OMG the playplace has collapsed on her head... but to my surprise when i looked over the counter i saw my baby girl playing... reaching, bumping, trying so hard to open her fist so she could grab the dangling toys... it was just like that moment in Kill Bill when Uma was moving her toes... lol gooo baby McLove you are growing so fast... and after a few more tries she got it... i bust into cheers like she won an olympic race...
well you know i like a dare but i need her to rest... so i pressed play on the yo-yo ma cd and in one quick move i bend at my waist and i lay her in the space directly between my legs on the sofa... yes... it worked she is sleep and in the cutest position ... just right for me to get a couple of Anne Getty shots before her eyes popped back open... lol i could only smile... she smiled back and then drifted to sleep... but now i am stuck again... afraid to move my legs now... trapped... lol i had to write this whole blog from the side.. and thus a crook in my neck... lol at least i got the chance to blog
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