you make me feel, you make me feel... (the homebirth story)

INTRO

like a natural woman..    and in the words of Chaka... anything u want done baby, i'll do it naturally, o o ooo, o o ooo... the word natural has a whole new meaning now...  i decided early on in my pregnancy to give birth to my child naturally at home... in a time of iphones and skype, this decision was totally against the grain... when the world around me was moving to even faster technology, i was going backwards to the days of my grandmother, hiring a midwife in plans to birth my child in the comfort of my home... each person that i informed that i was having a drug free, hospital free delivery gasped for air and tried to convince me that i was making a crazy, wrong, tragic or just plain weird decision - "girl the pain", "girl the pain", "ooo girl the pain"...  oh well if you know me, you know that just fueled my fire for more research and a stronger stance in my decision... hmmmm but a decision is just a mental paradym until you actually have to put it into action...

LIGHTS, CAMARA, ACTION

on wednesday morning, March 3rd, around 8AM as my husband was preparing for work i noticed a few drops of blood in my urine... with great excitement we stood over the toilet wondering was this the start of the moment we had been waiting for...  the last time i saw blood in the toilet was in may of 2009 and plus by this time my baby was 1week past her due date and i had tried all the natural/home remedies, like sex-walking-spicy food, to start labor to no avail...  it is our first baby, so we had no idea what a mucus plug looked like... so we did what any Milllennial would do... we googled images of mucous plugs online so that we could know exactly what we were looking for...
15mins later shazam part of my plug was in my panties... it was just enough there to make my husband and i dance around the room like it was Christmas morning...
 i knew that soon my childbirth process would begin because earlier that week i prayed to that my hubby would be home with me from beginning to end of the process and that i would have a definite physical sign that the party was starting...  so, with mucous plug confirmed, we informed the midwife to be on alert, my hubby worked from home to be safe, and i rested on the sofa in glee confidently preparing for the task i was about to embark....

RUNNERS TAKE YOUR MARK

around 9pm that night (wed) i started to notice some consistent contractions... i was aware of what my uterus felt like when i was having a contraction from the prior two weeks of Braxton Hicks... my hubby pulled out the stop watch and began to keep track... at this point the sensations were so bearable i would forget to inform him about the start and finish point for accurate timing... i felt like superwoman... i mean, this was just like menstrual cramps... i could handle cramps... no big deal... so i ate well and went to bed, listening to my childbirth scripts that led me through colorful gardens and ocean escapes, knowing that sometime soon, probably in the middle of the night, i would have my baby... perhaps my body would be so relaxed that i would sleep right through the total delivery... i laugh at myself now for thinking this because to my surprise my night was a restless one... my sleep was constantly intterupted by contractions and by 5am that morning (thurs) they were 12-15 mins apart...

so we called our birth team to come over to the house...my personal intercessor arrived first around 5:45am, followed by my mother, to assist as needed... the jr. midwife arrived a little after 7am to check on me... she decided, without a vaginal check, but based on timing of contractions and my response, that i was still in the beginning stage of labor...  so i put on my labor outfit (hehehe) and i tried to just relax by watching re-runs of the cosby show, squating and rocking through contractions... things were going pretty well.. my hubby, mom, and personal helper were working deligently to fill the birth pool with hot water and make the bed/mattress mess proof...  

around 5:30pm (thurs) my sr. midwife arrived... i was so excited to see her, thinking that her presence meant that i must be almost there... at this time my contractions were 5-8mins apart and getting stronger by the minute... i had been working hard to use my birth tools... i was rocking on the birth ball, taking my  deep cleansing breaths, belly dancing to promote gravity pull, allowing my husband to apply counter pressure to my back, snacking on carbs, protein, and liquids plus thinking every positive thought i could... i just knew that i was at the peak of this process... as far as i could tell the contractions seemed to be really close together... i mean, Could it really intensify more than this?... so, with confidence, i asked for a vaginal exam to measure dialation... the first one since my labor had begun.. and i thought that it would probably be my only one cause i was sure i was 10+ centimeters dialated... anyway after the exam she said "you are doing good... you are about 2 1/2 or 3 cenimeters... why don't you get up and go for a walk, get some fresh air,  and i will be back later to check on you again"...

WHAT???
EXCUSE ME??? 3centimeters???
Go foR A WaLk??? WHAT???  YOU WILL BE BACK???
 you gotta be kidding me... i can barely keep my eyes straight.. and she says 3 centimeters... even though we had all clocks out of my sight, my internal timer was ticking and i knew that this process was going way beyond the three hours that i had envisioned...  and then this chick tells me i am not even half way there... talk about a busted bubble... sigh, so as my sr. midwife drove away, my husband prepared me for the chilly walk outside... now take a second to imagine a 10-months pregnant, in-labor woman who can't zip her own jacket so she has on her husband's coat walking down the sidewalk...  but i could not walk two sidewalk squares without crunching over my hubby from a contraction...  oh you need a visual... i need u to use your imagination to see all 154 lbs of me me in the thick of things... sooo pitiful. 

after about ???? short mins later i re-entered my home, took off the coat and laid fetal style on the floor... i was mentally done... i cant believe that i was just outside looking like a runaway slave, hunched over every 3 concrete squares... i mean if i could not even walk the sidewalk outside how in the world was i going to complete this delivery... it was in this moment at 6:57pm that i said "i quit, i can't do it, take me to the hospital"...

MONKEY ON THE BACK

alot of the process is a blur now as i write this entry but i so remember this moment... i remember feeling so done... so defeated... all my prep, prayers, and passion felt like it was in vain... with tears running down my face and my eyes closed... my jr. midwife came to my side and gave the world's greatest pep talk... it was like something out of a hollywood movie about the underdog sports team making it to the championship and the coach has one timeout to motivate his team to glory...she didn't pacify or coddle me, she told me the truth... "you can do this, this is labor, and it feels hard but you are doing it, no one can do it for you, you have to do it yourself, you have to get up... hubby leave her alone, she can do it by herself, she is not sick, she is in labor, and she has to do the work, yes its hard but she can do it... its not easy, you are having a baby, and you can do it, now take a second to pull yourself back together momma and have your baby"...i almost cry just thinking about this powerful moment... i wanted to slap her but i knew she was telling the truth. the ball was completely in my court... i had to make the tough decision, no more leaning on my hubby or depending on my list of birthing tools to rescue me, playtime was over and I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT MYSELF... my husband made me as comfy as possible on the floor by padding me with pillows and then played this song for me and.. powerful words.. click to listen/watch:



in true dramatic fashion i got myself up off the floor and walked myself, by myself, upstairs as the audience of family members cheered at my bravery... the next several hours was just me and God... i made my bedroom a sacred place... i didn't want help or interruption, just me and GOD... my shower was my locker room... when the "going" got too tough i retreated to the shower for relief, to reamp myself, to get instructions from my heavenly father... when i was ready i would go back to my birth space... "i am with God, and God is with me"  these are the only words that came out of my mouth for the next several hrs... i said it all the way through each contraction, now less than 5 mins apart... i felt a deep peace between each contraction... most of the time i would dose off.. or more like fade out, in between the strong sensations which jarred me awake and reminded me that i was in the middle of bringing life into this world... when it got to be too much for me again and the contractions seemed overwhelming,  i ran to my heavenly Father's arms in the shower... at some point, the jr. midwife quietly entered to monitor me, the baby, and the contractions...  i remember that when i was too weak to finish my "i am with GOD, and God is with me" confession she would complete it for me... she was right by my side, reassurring me with eyes full of confidence that i could complete the task i started... it was at the perfect support at the perfect time..  ( omg i am over here boo hooing, i owe her so much... once again, her confidence at that moment, helped me commit to the process.. and after slowdancing/rocking hips with me, giving me an enema, and not slapping me when i bit her in the middle of a contraction, me and this chick are close for life, lol)

HOME STRETCH

at some point in the middle of the night (thurs) i requested my second vaginal check... at this point a day  had passed, and i was ready to cross or at least see the finish line... the check confirmed that i had progressed... i was 8 cenimeters dialated... but exhausted... physically and mentally spent... my husband and i entered the birth pool to try to relax and release the baby further down... i was having the urge to push, because of all the pressure, but it was too soon... after a while without further dialation i was instructed to exit the water and to try to walk around to dialate those last 2 centimeters... so i got out, it took all i had in me just to walk from my bedroom to the baby's room... during one of my many trips i made a pit stop at the bathroom and i called for my husband... while sitting on the toilet i looked him dead in the eye and in my right, non-emotional mind i said... "ok that is it, i am not doing this anymore, i am finished, take me to the hospital, i am tired and can not go any further, i quit, take me to the hospital NOW"!
 i could see that he believed me this time, and went to tell the midwifes of my decision...
while he was away i tried to plan the escape route just in case they tried to pep talk me out of this agian... i thought to myself "ummm i probably would not have time to get dressed and run downstairs to my car before my next contration.... ummm driving naked and in labor probably is a crime... ummm well they leave me no choice but to call the police and act like i am in a hostage situation... shoot i know my local police would break up this birth party with the quickness...". but my plan failed because i could not find my phone before i was back on the floor, breathing through a contraction, lol...

when they returned in the room i was 9 3/4 dialated and it was time to push... ooooooo yes, finally.... this was my favorite part... for the next three hours i rotated through a series of positions, including squatting, all-fours, rocking both inside and outside of the birth pool to push my baby into this world... i finally ended up sitting up in my bed, where after forty minutes of my baby's head playing pic-a-boo, my sweet 8 lbs, 8 ozs, 21-inch sweet baby girl was born into this world... after a minute of being in a strange, slow motion, dreamlike, almost high state... the reality set in, and with my baby in my arms, tears in my eyes, and indescribable joy, i said "I DID IT"...

(sigh) - what an amazing experience... sure it was a whole lot different than i imagined... but immediatley Love erased all the pain, Love made me forget that i saw the sun's full revolution during this process... Love invaded me and consumed all my self doubts... i finally had my Love in my arms and her life was beautiful... God had granted me the desire of my heart... the healthy delivery of my child, completely natural, at home... thank you, Lord...lol i felt closer to Jesus than ever after being in labor one hour for every year He walked the earth..lol i love you my little Love... u were sooo worth it all...

hey readers for more details and info about my natural pregnancy/birth view my march 20th and august 31, 2009