Getting My "Grown Man" On (Husband)

No pretense this time. I've been busier than a one-armed squirrel 3 weeks before winter hits. Can you say Griiiiinding. I've never liked the word "hustle." But baby-on-board has compelled me to work harder than ever before at any and everything at the same time. I've always worked hard at just about whatever I endeavor, but something about the expectation of this little one has sent me into a frenzy. Anxiety and a barrage of mixed emotions has shuttled me further along this path of worker bee syndrome. Do I have less faith, now that I'm motivavted to work more? I know that it's God-given. I just need to channel it into the right streams.

Now, every second counts. Every commute is filled with a studio session where I'm drilling my mind with complex rhymes and intense scenarios to develop into the ultimate emcee. Each work day is filled with thoughts of world conquest through the starting blocks of a side business, two simultaneous mixtapes, pushing an album, booking shows, serving my friends' dreams, finding time to read up on the baby, taking care of my wife's needs (albeit not many--her primary desire is for time, the very thing that's already strained), stepping up my responsbility around the house, winning souls, building my church's brand and caring for some strained relationships in my family.

Calm. Rest. Weight gain. Getting fat. Long naps. Great sleep. Wonderful cuddling. Peace. Joy. All the plush benefits of being an expectant father. Well, I've not gained any weight. I've only had peace and calm after spending time in the presence of the Lord, I always feel guilty for everything I don't do (dangit, I didn't wash the dishes, I left Charity with more clothes to wash, I didn't go buy that prego pillow, I didn't cook dinner, I made a etc.), I'm not getting more sleep because I haven't been able to cuddle with my wife (resulting from an expensive, too-soft bed that sinks when in the middle when I'm too close), but there is some light in this tunnel of future daddy daycare...

Yesterday, on the 20th of Septempber in the year 2009, I felt my baby move for the first time. It was as if he or little she pushed back through the great baby wall, throwing daddy a high five (probably with a foot) through the great bubble divide. Oh, what a glorious feeling. And I'm almost jealous that it's still all the more special for my wife, because she can feel the baby on the inside and the outside. Oh, the joy she has. In reading "The Expectant Father," a beautiful hand-me-down gift from coworker Nicole and her beau Donshay, I learned about the phase where the father can feel isolated, neglected, outside the circle of pregnancy and wifely goo-gahs. I can't say that I feel isolated or neglected, just a bit jealous that I cannot emote the same way.

That I cannot lavish in the same emotional euphoria of anticipation that I witness in my wife. But then again, she most certainly deserves it. If that is one of the few rewards of being chosen to carry our child, then may she be so blessed to feel the baby inside and out, to see the ultrasound and witness God using her very vessel as his life factory. Does this sound all too abstract? Forgive me. I wrote this one for me.

Oh, I'ma changin'....baby I am a'changin'. The wonder and mystery of this life has blown a new leaf this way, and I am determined to find its tree.

What would I look like if I were a girl? (by Husband)

Bear with me, this'll be my most cerebral entry yet. What would I look like if I were a girl? This question and many more puddle my thinking with profound and complex questions that mainly lead to nothing but thoughts of what lies ahead. I am definitely an internal thinker. Even in my conversations with the Lord, I find myself peacefully in the inner sanctum of reasoning with God as if we’re chatting over a leisurely game of chess in heaven’s foyer. Thank you, Lord, for making me a father. For blessing us with a child. At first, I was gonna wait to call myself a father until my child breathed its first breath on its own, but sure enough Charity’s body has two heart beats. Why shouldn’t I claim the life of my child since he/she is indeed living? And I am determined not to allow fear any place in this pregnancy. So, I am a father, and Lord, you are so faithful and good to me. There is nothing I could’ve done to deserve such a promotion. And already my life is changed. This time, I haven’t even needed to persuade myself into thinking I’m different. My nature is changed. I simply am a new man. Both in my words, and in spirit. So I ask again, what would I look like if I were a girl? If Charity’s womb is the factory of lilacs and roses, will she look like me? Or will she carry on the curvaceous, gentle and sweet, loyal nature of her mother? And if a boy, will he think in songs like his mother? Will he be both creative and meticulous like his father? Will he draw pictures with his left hand? Oh, so many delightful memories to create. God is so good. I have so many things to look forward to, I don’t know where to begin. It keeps me up at night, even now, writing my heart’s desires at 1:26am on the first of September, my favorite month.

The "Maybe" Baby (by Husband)

I've had my first dose of "Maybe I'm not ready for this" today, when Charity woke up pregnant again, and I just got up like normal forgetting that she couldn't move as fast, like....dang, That's right. She's pregnant! Ah.....and then you know how you try to fix things since you're the man?! Well only if I could crawl into her back and massage each one of those aching back muscles and tell her organs to move over and make room for the baby... I hate seeing her so uncomfortable at times, and not be able to do anything but pray. And one time while I was praying, she told me to shut up because I was trying to rebuke a normal pregnancy symptom, LOL! Oh what laughs we have. Marriage is the best. If dudes knew how good we actually had it, they'd get saved just to get married!

The Business of Being Born...a Girl (by Husband)

I’m going to be someone’s daddy! This thought alone is enough to spark its own entry, but I’ve expressed these thoughts so many times, it’s only right that I jot down these words and cathartically move on to more mature pre-daddy pregnant thoughts. Most people ask me what I’m having, and what I WANT to have. Are you kidding me? A healthy baby! What has happened in our culture that has gotten us so caught up in what the sex will be? How is it possible—before I go on, I am well aware that in some foreign cultures, a woman’s value may be so low that parents consider the birth of a baby girl worthless, and though I find it completely ridiculous, I’m reserving this next thought for our American culture—for someone in today’s time to be so bent on having a child of a particular sex, to the point where if they have a child of the reluctant sex, that they neglect the child? Isn’t that bogus? Have we forgotten that it is GOD who chooses not only conception, but the exact weight, sex and genes of our child, if we are indeed even fortunate enough to get pregnant? I guess I sound too formal and much more like political soap-boxing than blogging, so I digress. I said all that to say, I’m so glad that we’re pregnant, and I will let God do God’s business in choosing the sex of our child. Be it boy or girl, I will love them, as I already incredibly do, with all of my heart, devotion and energy, for as long as my heart beats fast.

Talk to the Belly / How Men Try to Understand Pregnancy (by Husband)

It's such a humbling place to see my wife talking to the heartbeat inside her belly. Some days it's soooo real, and the next, it's abstract all over again...until she starts reading the baby a book, or singing him/her a song. Then I wish I could feel that connected all over again. God is so good. For the first time, a couple days ago I woke up and forgot that we were pregnant. (Moment of silence) I’m reading “The Expectant Father” an excellent book given to me by the best coworker in the world, Nicole. In it, it says that pregnancy for men can be sort of “abstract,” where we don’t have the same kind of connection that the woman has. A woman is pregnant 24 hours a day, on weekends and holidays, day and night shifts, for 40 weeks straight. There is no off time, coffee breaks, lunches “out of the office.” Thus, I cannot relate, LOL!!! I feel this strange blend of emotions that range between guilt, awe, wonder, sympathy and compassion over my wife’s uncomfortable joy. I can’t push, can’t vomit for her, can’t take the pain away, can’t move the baby or her organs into peaceful positions, cant ensure she won’t wake up in the middle of the night as hungry as a bear out of hibernation. And because of this, it makes me want to do everything I can to ease the load everywhere else for my queen. If you’re a man, you’ll understand. If you’re pregnant, then understand that this is probably what your husband feels but can’t really put into words without sounding as crazy as I did in saying I “forgot” we were pregnant one morning when I started my morning routine.

Ice Cream in the Microwave (by Husband)

Charity is going to have a natural, at-home birth! She is amazing and I support her all the way. Please pray for us. I am all of a sudden a worker bee who wants a new house, new car, new job, new life that is the best for the baby. It's so exciting. I'll be rushing around off adrenaline to accomplish as much as possible, and then Charity'll say: "Babe, take the pressure off! You're a good enough provider for me..." But do you know the pressures of being a man and wanting to give the very best? The pressure to provide more than we had; nothing but the very best for my children. That is what my father gave me, and I’d be damned to give anything less to my children. But (sigh) what a relief to hear those refreshing words from my wife? “You’re a good enough provider already…” Women take note. This is what you say to melt away your husband’s stress faster than you can soften ice cream in a microwave!

Entry 2, Week #10: The Promotion

Have you ever worshiped so hard that you knew a nap was in the near future… this morning I am sooo in love with the Lord. Just his simple word brings me to my knees in worship… for his kindness towards me… and all his great promises. I fall deeper in love with Him daily… this baby is going to be blessed. Today my Big Daddy told me that in Deut. 28:4… that alone had me on my face in the most awesome worship…the kind where the neighbors might wonder “What’s that noise?”... don’t worry its just me showing my gratitude to such a worthy King… I am so excited and so privileged to be in this position… my Father trusts me with such an awesome promotion… Thanks Lord

Entry 1, Week #9: I am going to be a blogger

Well here it goes.. I am going to be a blogger..

What has this kid done to me… Well besides turning my appetite upside down, all around… and making a traditional morning activity like brushing my teeth a scene from a horror movie…

It has turned my heart to mush without even being able to smile yet.

All of my thoughts are about how I can make the best personal decision for this new human being… (which, might I add, solidified its gender this week… I am so proud of you, you little sex organ grower!)

Anyway, the whole world is so excited about your arrival… Yes, that is right. The whole world… everywhere I go and everyone I tell are so excited (like, my baby is like a “Cheers” star)… Even my plane mate “goo-gooed” and raved about all the joy this baby was going to bring…

So I thought the best way to keep this excitement going for the world was to tell all my updates through this blog… my pregnancy blog… oh yeah, HI I AM Pregnant... Wooo Hoo!… ok, so stay tuned.