didnt we almost have it all

this is the first time that i have been clean, fed, and in the bed relaxing with my blog in time to watch The Office in 19weeks... it feels sooo great to have the evening to myself... and i really mean to myself... no to do list to complete, no meal to prepare or area to clean... no baby to nurse or husband to to to nurse... lol i mean nourish... this feels unguiltyly (not a real word) great... like freedom.... today i missed freedom soo much... mclovey wouldn't stay sleep for longer than 30mins no matter how much breast milk i shoved down her throat... i have to admit that i felt trapped by my house, bored by the choices in the fridge and on the TV... i found myself on a friends couch at noon after leaving the bank, complaining about my inability to get in my own nap, ranting about my frustration with my increased property taxes although my home is selling for 100,000 less than what i purchased it for, and awww this is such a great episode of the OFFICE.. jim and pam get married, they sneak off and say i do on a boat at Niagara falls sooo sweet... then everyone from the offfice dances down the aisle like the couple from the famous you tube video... sigh - i love my hubby and am soo glad that i married him... i love him with all my heart even though dodging going to RE see the play tonight with him was also a topic of my couch session... the couch session was mainly me whining about my constant internal conflict over what is the most important way for me to spend my free time during the day; should i be  pumping or pooping, i shared with my temp vent shrink that i was saddened by how since my body produces so much extra heat now that i can no longer wear outfits more  than once because they stink, which causes me to have more laundry faster, i mean i use to be able to wear a shirt twice and jeans until they walked, but hotlanta and milk doesnt mix.... blah blah blah until i realized that i have the best baby in the world... despite her lack of sleep today she was quietly playing alone on the other side of the couch... totally satisfied with chewing her fingers and periodically distracted by the flashes of light from the tv.... now that i think about it she has not really cried all day... she rocks... i changed my attitude and stopped hording my breast, chilled out and began to enjoy my kid... i realized that i have it made right now... sure our money is tighter than normal, sure my days seem longer that normal, but i get the opportunity to see my little girl learn how to do new things like brrrrrrr air through her lips causing a spitty mess and to be the first to discover that super wet bibs over the last three weeks has finally produced the ridged, white top of her first tooth.... while i am pouting over natural hair care product inability to hold moisture in my hair my sweet baby is growing up right before my self centered eyes.... woowowowowowowo and it truly is priceless... her smile is priceless... her super huge splashes in the tub are priceless... her daily growth is priceless... i wished i could have days as fresh and new as her... i wish the world was new to me again... oh well i will settle for this moment of solice, on the computer, with only NBC and my thoughts...

morning lesson on brrrrr

friends how many of us have them..

friends ones you can depend on... whenever i see my baby Love interact with other children i can not help but daydream about her future... recently my prayer over her life has been "lord bless her with health, happiness, and good friends"...  a friend of mine recently passed away and at the funeral, which was more like a family reunion filled with laughter and posing for photos, i realized that the thing that has enhanced my life the most and filled my brain with the best memories is my friends... whoever made up the saying "u only need a few good friends" must of had a crappy life... instead when it comes to friendship i say "the more the merrier"... you need an assortment of friends for an assortment of life issues... so baby Love take it form your momma and seek the following kinds of friends...

friends that are trustworthy...
 that will keep your secrets and share your victories

friends that stick around when the going gets tough and you need to vent about it

friends that tell you the truth like "he is a good man so get yourself together"... 

friends that show you they love you often... 

friends that are excited to see you, 
that even if it has been years you can just pick 
the convo back up like its only been a minute...

friends that are different from you, but accept you just the way you are...

friends that challenge you to grow, 
to do more, to be better...

friends that will sneak you in but keep you safe...

friends that can lean on you...

friends that will pray for you in the middle of the night without you even asking them to...

friends that know no boundaries...

friends that support your dreams...

friends that stand up for  and watch your back..

friends that know how to cheer you up, that you can share life with, friends that care

friends that are more like sisters, play cousins, and twins than friends

god bless this child that's got his own

Living in Atlanta makes me proud to be black... TheRe is so much  
culture and pride here.. I wish we took advantage of it more, appreciated it more... My husband and I recently had a discussion about the way we want to raise McLovey and the environment that we
believe would be in her best interest... I am finding that i am conflicted about what "the best" really means... For instance- It is extremely important to us that she sees people in power roles that look like her... For the initial stages of her life this will be her teachers, doctors, friend's parents,etc... My hubby grew up in indiana and never shared my experience of having a black principal and was taught by a total of probably 3 black teachers his whole life... His dentist and doctor were white... I on the other hand saw people, who
looked like me, in these roles of power (especially to a child) everyday,  and grew up knowing that it was possible for me to be in charge of a school, practice, etc... I think that the reoccurance of these positive influences made me love my race and pursue advancement
more... 

But these positive reflections did not mean that I recieved
the best education or services.. (apparently all teachers, on all levels have to have a masters degree in Indiana)... I witnessed more student violence and had less in-school resources than my hubby... But more importantly I had fewer interaction, experiences, or friendships
with people outside of my race than my hubby... When I say more importantly I dont mean that it is better to have white friends than black, but what I do believe is that having a diverse circles makes a diverse mind and experience...  Furthermore is it our social networks and thier sphere of influence that effect our adult lives the most... If the good'ol boys system is still working then she is going to need to more than jaime..  Hmmm so what's a mom to do... How do I give her the best of this
world... How do I make sure that she is generous to homeless but doesn't have to see them on thier way home.. How do I make sure they  have black pride and love for all mankind... How do I make sure she  has the best possible education, from schools with fully functioning  resources, teachers that are not only qualified but love what they do, and the experiences with a variety of peers to prepare her for future, real world interact... Momma said there would be days like this when
all u could do was to think about how I just want the best for my child
Ps... 6/24 I witnessed mck push up and roll over

HOLD ON I’M COMING.. remix DON’T GO CHASING WATERFALLS..

this blog is sooo embarassing that i cant use just one song in the title...

HHhhhh.  So, I’m starting to get out of the house more. Now that I have this 3hr schedule thing I’m starting to get a lot more confidence. And besides it starts to get boring in the house with a baby all day.  Ummm, I’ve gotten good at taking the car seat in and out of the car and attaching it to shopping carts. Now, what I haven’t mastered yet is my ability to take care of my personal needs and my baby girlie’s too

The other day I went to Target at the perfect time of day.  Feeling like mcLovey would be in the perfect type of mood….And she was….Yayyhh ‘GO BABY’… But soon as I walked thru the sliding doors I had to pee really bad…. Uuuuuhhhhhh What am I supposed to do.  She’s sleep in the car seat on the top of the shopping cart ,  I can’t wake her up, I’m not supposed to wake her up…..I gotta keep her on the schedule!!!!!!!!  I can’t think about this I gotta pee

Soooo, I pushed the whole buggie into the bathroom….Yep, probably against every store policy  but I had to pee and nobody was there to help me… Once inside the bathroom I realized, ‘This shopping cart is not gonna fit in the stall with me, What am I gonna do ,,,,,what am I gonna do’… Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle  no time for reasonable thinking… I pushed the buggie in front of the stall to prop open the door and RELEASE!!!!! Ahhhhhh

SORRY,  I was too scared that if I closed the door for just one second somebody would run in and kidnap my beautiful baby and then I would be the subject of the next Lifetime movie… The good news is no one else had to pee during that time… Great job mommy now I’m back on my mission of shopping,.. Pushing the buggy gracefully making sure not to wake the baby. I got everything on my list… now the shopping cart’s full aaaaannnnd so is my bladder again…. Oooooo no!!

 

You gotta be freakin kidding me.  Okay. What am I supposed to do? I’m not gonna make it home….AND I CANT HOLD IT LIKE I USE TO BE ABLE TO HOLD IT DUE TO THE 8LB 8OUNCE BUNDLE OF JOY THAT I PUSHED OUT… I can’t take the shopping cart in the bathroom full of items or I look like a freaking shoplifter… mcLovey is now awake starting to squirm, and although I thought about it I cannot leave my baby with a stranger…. even if they are a Target employee.

Hhhhhmmmmmm…I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee, I gotta pee… So , I push the cart to the side, unstrapped the baby, grabbed her in my arms – since I could not imagine putting her seat on the bathroom floor-, ran into the stall, and with one hand unbuckled  my belt and did all the other things necessary to squat over a public stall and use the bathroom.. Sigh, I feel better until I realize I have to get some tissue with one hand and you know these stupid public bathroom dispensers break it after every square… Pull break, pull break , pull br…..screw this that’s enough…I patted with what I had.. tried to wiggle my pants up.. and finally said forget it I’m outta here… note to all new moms – skinny jeans are not made for time out with your baby… I am sure half my butt-crack was out cause I just could get tghem up right with my football cradled baby in arms… I now understand why women wear moo-moos

Sure, that incident was a little stress inducing but I made it… I’ve been out several times since then, and started feeling really good about leaving the house. I can pack her bag quickly, no need to think about bottles cause her Café Leche is permanently attached… So, all to do now is get her dressed, get me dressed and get out the house and of course keep a bottle of water with me to keep up the milk supply…. Cause my girlfriend always says “where is your water. You need water”…

Lets Fast forward 2 weeks… This day I put a lot on my agenda. I was gonna make a stop to catch up with some old co workers, visit the studio to work on the new Alphabet House project, and visit an old student all before meeting up with my husband at 7:3 to switch out cars and so he could take McLovey home for her bath/bed time routine. 

This “bath/bed routine” was my new master plan to be alone at least for an hour per day… plus it would keep me from being a helicopter mom, you know so I wouldn’t interrupt by nit picking at my hubby by saying the waters too hot, the bubbles are too big, you’re singing the lullaby too loud… and most of all so I wouldn’t have to listen to her crying if something went wrong…. hahaha

I mean honestly it’s the one time of day that they have to bond and I need to get outta their hair… So, here’s the plan

1.     I load up on the fluids and food

2.     feed her at 7… feed her on both FULL sides

3.     meet my husband at 7:30 give him the baby

4.     enjoy being around adults my meeting

5.     come home, kiss sleeping baby and spend time with my hubby

Sounds perfect huh…. Well we all know that the only perfect thing is Christ so that should have been my clue that this plan was flawed… so let me tell you what really happened… Uhh boy, I’m driving to our meeting place when I realize I have to pee.  “That was okay cause I was not that far from the location, less than 5mins, so I’ll just  go straight there… Wait a minute , how do I get there again… I think its straight ahead. .. No, wait I need to turn around….  I gotta pee….  SMH. Omg This shady part of town doesn’t even have any restaurants… I think its this way.. Ohh, ok I gotta pee.   Where does she live again. Alright, I’m just gonna turn down this street and go to the expressway…  You gotta be freakin kiddin me A ROAD BLOCK!!!????.. I cant stop for a roadblock… I gotta keep driving… wait don’t be crazy you cant just drive thru.. but I gotta pee… Police are everywhere, I gotta drive even slower. ... Yeah, I mean yes - hello officer here’s my license… How you doing, thanks, oh while you’re at it can you tell me how to get to… Ok thank you bye…This is too much.. I gotta pee... Vroom, zoom, vroommmmm… why have I not been doing my kegals!!!

Ok forget making it to the meeting location, there is a Wendy’s up ahead… Just let me get to the Wendy’s, Lord help me get to the Wendy’s… But how am I gonna get her out of her super safe car seat and run in... Maybe, I should just lock her in the car it will only be for a second…no I can’ t lock my baby in the hot car... not even for a second cause what if while I’m running into the bathroom I slip, fall, break my leg, and not be able to get back out there to her… OMG I gotta pee, i gotta pee so bad…..

Ok I am turning into Wendy’s parking lot, I’m not gonna make it, gotta think fast… maybe I’ll just pee behind the bushes, but it’s broad daylight and it’s really busy here, plus there are not any bushes….oh my God!!!”

I don’t know how I’ma say this but this is what happened.

I grabbed a cup out of my cup holder and with one foot still working between the brake and the gas, one hand on the steering wheel, the other had getting my pants down I swerve into a parking spot and start peeing in a cup.  I’d been filling up on fluids so I would have a nice feeding for my baby, thus OVERFLOW….MAD OVERFLOW Now, I’m disgusted and embarrassed sitting in piss and my baby is crying from all the car jerking and her delayed feeding… my plans are down the drain and So, I drive home, call my husband – who makes matters worse by saying “couldn’t you just aim it into the cup”, But as you ladies know we don’t have the luxury of “aiming” … nevertheless I bathed, fed the baby, put on my clothes and left the house.  I had to leave. That was just way too much for me... but for the sake of helping some other new momma out there smile and feel better there u have it… roll on the floor and laugh at me and carry a potty in your trunk

it's my party i can cry if i want to..

cry if i want to, cry if i want to, you would cry too if it happened to you... I hate my post pregnancy body the most on Sunday’s... 

Perhaps because

it's the one day of the week that getting pretty really is expected...

It’s a family tradition to parade in your Sunday’s best... From my

youth I was excited about putting on my pretty dresses, with sashes

tied into a perfect bow by my daddy, and going to church with my

family on Sundays... No God doesn't judge me on the basis of how I

look, but i was taught and desire to enter his presence looking my

best... just like I would if I was meeting a country's leader, like

our wonderful President Obama  (Note to readers that I am an Obama

groupie and I love the Lord no apologies)

Or perhaps Sunday’s dress-ups are special to me because it is one of

the few times per week when getting pretty is actually possible...

Most of the week I wear super comfortable gear that probably would

embarrass my little girl if she was older and can be pooped or

vomited on with no worries.. Unfortunately my baby bump is still very

present, which makes clothes look not so flattering... Even with

girdles, sweat wraps, and ultra control panties on people still say

"Congratulations" or whisper to me " r u guys expecting again"...

Please Barbra sing Send in the clowns... Boo hoo:(

i gained a total 25Lbs during my pregnancy, i was really pleased with

my pregnant body.. I was all belly and had no stretch marks at all.,.

the day after my delivery i  was amazed that i had lost  18Lbs, and by

my 6wk check up I was back at my starting weight 128... Way to go me,

although I think most of the weight lost was a result of the breast

feeding...  But my stomach is the only thing that is still

lingering... I think that I have been patient enough, like my mother

asked me to be about this post pregnancy process... She said that it

takes time for your body to shrink back down but come on now my baby

turns 4months tomorrow... (my mom continued the suppose to be comforting convo

by also saying "and u were huge baby... I mean really really bigger

than normal and you had a big ol baby so  it will take a while... Hey

look at me I still got my belly from when I carried u 29yrs ago...

Booooo hooooooo....

The kinda good news is that the main cause of the post prego bulge is

a hernia that developed during delivery... It has to be surgically

removed... Surgery huh... I am so vain that I want to get rid of it

asap to start getting winks and hey shawties again, I also want to

avoid the closet tears, "harmless" questions, and mirror dodging but

surgery now could mean that I would have to stop breastfeeding due to

post surgery meds... Plus The surgeon says I must wait at least 6

months to see if my ab muscles will shrink more.. He said that my

small frame ab muscles were really stretched to make room for mclovey,

thus the sharp internal pains and tender external skin in my stomach

area and the hernia removal will go better if my stomach muscles are

stronger... I know u r thinking like I was - bust out the ab master

machine/DVD but apparently doing ab exercises will harden the hernia

and increase problems.. Booo hooo

Gosh I just want to have my body back... Well at least the look of my

old body back for my own personal happiness since I still share it

with baby Love every 3hrs and my hubby when we don't fall asleep

hahaha no wait boooo hoooo

Please oh please belly go away... Looking fat is one thing but looking

pregnant when you are not is just plain annoying... Booo hooo if this

hernia removal and post surgery workout plan does not work than tummy

tuck here I come... Well here I come after I finish having kids five

years from now boooo hooo

If any other mommies out there is feeling blue about still have a

pregnant belly after delivery, u r not alone, check out this site http://theshapeofamother.com/

Ps sweet baby Love u were and are worth it all... My life and body has been

blessed by carrying you.. I wouldn't traid you for anything, not even

washboard abs

ps when i was trying to find photos to show you how pregnant my stomach still looks i realized that i have primarily been taking headshots since my delivery boooo hoooo

last night a DJ saved my life... (the natural journey continues)

RANDOM THOUGHTS TO WARM UP TO WRITE AFTER BEING WITH A 3MONTH OLD ALLLLL DAY:  Well this is an odd scene, me in sweatpants, flip flops, a Harvard  tshirt sitting on the patio deck of a sports bar with Mya singing on a track as the grown and sexy groove behind me.. Shoot I wish I would be embarrassed, no way chicks dress like dudes these days and tape down their breast - so I'm good... Well actually I'm exhausted, could fall asleep right here - but I needed a break from mommy duty so here i am plus I wanted to get in on the .25 wing special lol..

now they playing my girl Beyonce...Mission 1 get my eat on.. mission 2 try to avoid lung cancer from these idiots smoking in this 95degree humid heat are you kidding me it's 2010 the information age and people still purchasing cancer sticks... mission 3 drive home and fall asleep in record time - get me bodied lol

REAL ENTRY BEGINS HERE.. 
So a DJ didn't save my life... But Chris rock did ruin it.. After watching his documentary Good Hair during my pregnancy I decided to stop perming my hair... I  mean I owed to my unborn baby to keep her from the chemicals seeping from my head to her placenta.. lol... plus these days keeping my hair jermack, bounce back, beautiful is a cinch with the help of Dominican blow dryers and ceramic flat irons.. 


(Wait did this guy just tell this girl "come on out here and have a drink with daddy" ... I'm sooo glad that I am out of the game... no longer putting up with lame crap for a free drink.. And on that note I'm no longer sucking my stomach in tonight.. Maybe if they think I'm still pregnant they will stay away from me..)

...so like I was saying I decided to go natural for my little girl.. I  wanted to be able to honestly look her in her eyes one day and say  "baby your hair is beautiful just the way God made it.. God makes each little girl special from head to toe... You do have  Good Hair" 

that meant that I was going to have to preach by example
and grow my perm out...


Key word = GROW.. I had the perfect "grow my perm out" plan = keep
getting it pressed and trimmed until all the perm was gone... That was
working fine until Summertime in the ATL set in.. It was a waste if
time and money to pump two bottles of "B"milk, get a babysitter, sit
in a shop for 3hrs and spend $45 just to have my hair last 30mins
after I walk outside on my date with my hubby..  (just for a visual reference here is my hair the last time i got it pressed 5/20/2010) 

So I had a second "grow out" plan.. Let my mom cornrow my hair down
while I explore the wonderful world of wigs... Now this was going
great... My first wig got rave FB reviews... And I must admit it made
me feel sexy and sassy again... My hubby said it made me look like a
Atlanta black girl and not an African  American... ROFL... but He also said the purple streak it had made my attitude a little more "hood" than he was use to seeing from me,:(... but what the hay I was feeling good, feeling great and for 30bucks I could become a new chick every two weeks in less time and effort then ever before 

But on Wed June 16th something crazy happened.. perhaps i forgot to take my prenatal vitamin and my hormone levels went haywire.. Like I can't believe what I did... 
I combed out my braids and washed my hair... that was normal.. then I put in a heap of conditioner to detangle my hair... that was normal..  I looked in the mirror and thought the following to myself -  "wow my hair is really wavy, kinda looks just like Mclovey's super soft and curly "good hair",,, i mean she is my baby and that means her hair prob comes from me,,,, and it's been bout a year since my last perm so if I cut it it'll prob be long, where are the scissors I'll just CLIP... OMG" (that was not normal)

Just that quickly, without rational thinking... I cut my hair off...
Instantly my hair dried and shriveled up like the burning bush... I
immediately knew that I was making a crazy decision, but just to make
sure I CUT another section...  I looked like a rooster... My mom took
the scissors from me and said "let me do the rest cause I can see
better than u"... Clip cut whack... As my hair feel on the floor I
began to weep and exclaim - "I look horrible".. WHY did I do this???.. I just spontaneously cut off all my hair... I never wanted to do the big chop cause honestly i am not fond of Afros... So the truth is that i wanted to be natural but look permed... But now all my straight locks were in a Wal-Mart plastic bag... I cried and screamed so much that my mom frantically walked out the room and started praying.. My dad made itworst by saying Mclovey is not going  to know who you are anymore...

I cried all the way to Deeply Rooted, a natural 

hair salon in the ATL that i now highly suggest to hook up your hair, where my friend and a stylist calmed me down... Well calmed me down after they talked me into taking my hands from over my tear filled eyes for long enough to get myself and the baby out of the hot car... as i sat in the chair i felt and looked like Florida Evans... damn damn damn james... i wanted my hair to be "good hair"... the kind that in long and soft, the kind that curls when wet not... oh you know what "good hair" is.. and my hair looked like it could be the poster child for 'a raisin in the sun'

**** note to self... this is not these chicks hair... its all weave... what i wanted was the fantasy force fed to me by the media of what "good hair" is... hair has been just one of many tools used to make women of color hate themselves and covet others that look the closest to the people who have been broad casted as powerful and attractive for sooo long.. i hate to admit that i too, a vocal supporter of anything that has to do with the the empowerment and advancement of black people was afraid of my real roots...*****

they assured me that it did not look nearly as bad as i thought... that someday i would love this decision (which had to be a result of my hormones still balancing out)... and that i would look cute when i left... i had nothing to loose... except more tears... so i let them style my hair, avoiding all mirrors, as much as possible... 
i left the salon, which did a great job, feeling slightly better... after a pep talk from my sister i was convinced not to get a hotel room to hide from my hubby who true to character had nothing but kind words and a warm embrace for me... i went asleep still constantly saying the phrase "i cant believe i cut my hair" ... the next day i had a convo with a girlfriend of mine who has been natural since high school... she gave me the 411 on how to rock my new short puffy doo... so i followed her advice - made-up my face, put on some big earrings and lashes, threw on an earthy outfit and stepped out into the world confident... 


(joyful sigh) the response was great... everyone loved it... plenty of FB and live compliments like this was a bold and on purpose, super sheek move on my behalf... and i must admit, that after a day of getting use to the unfamiliar person in mirror,  that i do look good... i guess some emotional mistakes turn out okay...  now i am loving the new, no, real me... do u know that this is the first time ever that i have "played" in my hair after getting it done... wow this really is freedom.. so DJ play my song... "i am not my hair"